To Whom it May Concern,
I am a well read loser with an obsession over the finance industry. I am borderline autistic, incredibly skilled. I have years of first world experience in capitalistic and marketing operations and schemes. I am friends with an evil industrialist and I am a fiscal wizard. My objective is to make you and I a lot of money. I am neurotically detail oriented and driven like no other. You should hire me and I’ll make your dreams come true. I was approved by the cabal. And I won’t take no for an answer. I am you and you are me. Pass go collect $200 dollars. I am seeking to benefit you with my ridiculously high standards and high aptitude. I enjoy working with the human population to pretend to be friendly. I am seeking to maximally benefit an exceptional company by use of weird linguistic quirks, innovation, calculation and attention to client biases.
P.S. I love you.